


Healing is difficult

by IMtrinity



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Minor Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-19 01:58:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17592536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IMtrinity/pseuds/IMtrinity
Summary: Cas returns to the bunker and learns of Dean's reckless new plan.





	Healing is difficult

**Author's Note:**

> *Set after S14 E11. SPOILERS for S14 E10 and E11.

The familiar screech of the bunker door greeted Castiel as he walked through it, Jack right behind him. He paused at the top of the stairs noticing the dimmed lights and quiet atmosphere. No sign of Dean or Sam below but he thought nothing of it as he descended the stairs, plopping his small duffel bag on the floor.

 

They had just returned from a four day mini road trip after it was mutually decided that Jack needed to get out after the whole Michael debacle.They had driven around for a while, visiting random landmarks, staying at various motels and eating (well, Jack ate) loads of unhealthy food. And talking. Alot.

 

Castiel had heard what Michael said to Jack and it hurt to see Jack responding to the baiting and vile words. He knew what the Archangel was capable of and his first concern was to sway Jack back towards them. It wasn't easy. Jack kept saying he was fine, and he understood. But Cas knew he was still so young and vulnerable, and he knew words cut deep.

 

He wasn't so quick to forget the mocking, bitter things Michael spat at him in Dean's head. Part of him knew it foolish to listen but a small part of him would always wonder. Was Dean better off without him? Without his help? How many times had he chosen the wrong path...

 

Still, Jack was now connected to all three of them, and he would not abandon him, nor Dean and Sam. Not when the threat of total annihilation was upon them. They needed to stick together and fight this.

 

He heard Jack place his bag down behind him. "Where is everyone?"

 

Cas tilted his head, and after a quick glance, headed towards the library. Jack went towards the kitchen, slinging his jacket on a nearby chair. Castiel's steps were quiet, and maybe that's why Sam didn't react right away.

 

"Sam?" The younger Winchester was seated at a small table, surrounded by mountains of books, a small table lamp the only illumination in the room. Deep in thought, his face as he turned towards the voice almost broke Cas. Dejection and pain practically radiated off him, but he brightened up as soon as he saw Cas standing there. "Cas, hey. Sorry, I didn't hear you come in. Is Jack OK?"

 

But Cas ignored all this as he slowly approached the table, eyes never leaving Sam's. Sam plastered on a smile and hastily wiped at his eyes, clearing his throat and flipping a page of his book. Cas' dread increased as he looked upon Sam, his mind centering onto one thing only. "Sam, where's Dean?"

 

Sam cleared his throat again, his fingers moving to pull a strand of hair behind his ears. "Um, he's in his room, last I checked." His eyes darted between Cas and back to his book. Cas sighed. "What's wrong, Sam?" The younger man made no move to answer that question, and it wasn't until Castiel placed his hand on Sam's shoulder did his resolve crack. His whole body shuddered in defeat. Chin down, hair obstructing his face, he came clean, and to the point.

 

"Dean is planning to kill himself to prevent Michael from getting loose."

 

Castiel blinked, not at all expecting to hear anything remotely like that. "What?" he asked dumbly. Sam raised his head, his eyes glistening with fresh tears. "Yep. He's decided. He got a visit from Billy the Reaper. Or should I say Death...She told him there was only one way out of this mess, and after you and Jack left, he packed a bag, told me he was going to see mom- alone- and left. Billy apparently left instructions on how to build this...this special, warded box, and he was going to enclose himself inside and-" He took a deep stuttering breath. " And he’s planning to have the box dumped into the middle of the ocean somewhere."

 

Cas dropped his hand from Sam's shoulder, his whole body in shock. "That doesn't make any sense. Why would he think that would end Michael? He could just find a new vessel. This is insane." Sam licked his lips, brows raised. "Yes, it is. But you know Dean. He's so stubborn and it's his way or the highway. I uh, I basically promised him I would help him with this."

 

Cas looked at Sam in disbelief. "Why would you do that, Sam?  _ How _ could you do that?”

 

“Because I can’t say no to Dean, ok! I never have been able to. Even when I know this is the worst idea ever. But Cas, you didn’t hear him talk about it. The constant pain. Michael. In his head. He’s not in a good place right now,” he whispered morosely. 

 

Cas still could not believe what he was hearing. Sam was actually talking about helping Dean kill himself. The thought made him surprisingly weak. He took a step back to compose himself. “I will speak to Dean. And I will make him see reason.”

 

Sam let out a mocking laugh, eyeing Cas incredulously. “No offence, Cas, but if he’s not gonna listen to me, what makes you think you’ll get through to him?”

 

Castiel knew Sam didn’t mean it the way it sounded, and judging by the immediate guilt in Sam’s eyes, he was thinking the same thing. Still, his position in the hierarchy of things was pretty clear. He took another step back, chin lifting. “No offence,  _ Sam _ , but there are things I can do that you simply cannot.” He turned around and walked away before Sam could question his remark.

 

He made a beeline for Dean’s room, but as he got closer, he slowed down, not even realising his heart was hammering in his chest. Amazing, really. He was an angel and things like hunger, or pain, or emotion, should not even be a factor. And yet. He swallowed deeply and stood in front of the door with trepidation. He would have to tread very carefully.

 

His fist met wood in a stern knock. Once. Twice. He heard a muffled “yea” and turned the knob.

 

Dean was on his bed, propped up, and reading, of all things. He looked up at Cas in surprise, and the slightest hint of contentment flickered in those green eyes before settling on indifference.

 

“Heya, Cas. You guys just get back?”

 

He meant to race right in, demanding to know why,  _ why _ damn it! But seeing Dean like this, so casual, so at peace, not a care in the world… All of Cas’ rage evaporated, and he found himself shutting the door quietly, carefully, as if to gather his thoughts.

 

“Hello, Dean.”

 

Dean threw a smile his way, but it never reached his eyes. He did a once-over before sighing, shutting his book, and rubbing his forehead. “So. You talked to Sam.”

 

Cas could only nod. If he started to speak…

 

Dean nodded as well, resigned to the fact. Both hands rubbed at his face in anticipation of whatever was to come next. He crossed his arms. “Is that why you’re here? To stop me?”

 

“Dean, if I knew a way to stop half the suicidal things you get into, don’t you think I would use that on you?”

 

Dean huffed out a laugh, but again, his eyes were tired and weary. “Cas, if Sam told you everything, then you know Billy came to see me. You know what she told me. You know this is the only way.”

 

Cas approached the bed automatically. “Since when is anything ‘the only way’? We will find a different way. A better way. One that doesn’t involve you committing suicide. His voice rose at the end and Dean looked down at his lap before composing himself.

 

“Cas, I can’t hold him anymore. I just can’t. I tried. I thought I could do it. And it hasn’t even been a full week! The thought of doing it any longer makes me wanna puke. Michael is battering down my door and I can’t stop it. He’s going to break through one day soon, and then what? He’ll just possess me again and he won’t fall for the same trick for a second time. He’ll turn my mind to mush. You saw what he can do. He’s in my head, Cas.”

 

Cas looked down at Dean, the pair of them wearing matching dejected expressions. He sighed, and sat down at the edge of the bed without asking. He felt they were beyond such things at this point. Dean didn’t even blink.

 

“I won’t stand by and watch you destroy yourself, Dean. Not this time. I know I’m not your brother, or your family, but I can’t lose you to this.”

 

Dean uncrossed his arms, looking pissed for the first time since Cas walked in. “Don’t fucking say shit like that to me, Cas. You know damn well where I’d be without you. You’re family, same as Sam. Same as Jack,” he added with a hard glint in his eye. 

 

Cas looked away, and the thoughts he was trying so hard to bury suddenly arose, gnawing at his brain and soul. And Dean could see it. He leaned forward, smacking Cas on his knee.

 

“Hey, don’t do that. You know what happened in my head wasn’t me. That was all Michael. He said those things because he was trying to hurt us both. You saved me from Hell, Cas. That ain’t something one forgets. Ever. And it’s not gratitude, all this. This, what we have here, this is the real deal. This is our home. This is my family. Whatever shit happened in the past doesn’t matter. 

 

“I should have said something, after. I think I was still in shock, you know? Buried in my own fucking head, it does something to you. And then you left with Jack and I didn’t get to tell you.”

 

Cas slowly turned to stare at Dean. “So is this my goodbye, Dean?” He didn’t mean for the blistering tone. Dean flinched anyway.

 

“Cas…”

 

“Do you have any clue what this will do to Jack? He’s only now finding his footing, and most of it was because of you. How can you think of leaving now?”

 

Dean swallowed. “He’ll still have Sam and you.” At this, Cas turned away guiltily, because with all the Dean/Michael nonsense, he almost forgot about the deal he made with the Empty. Jack won’t have him, not for long anyway. Dean hit Cas on the knee again, somewhat more gently.

 

“What?”

 

Cas almost told him. If he told Dean that he made a deal in exchange for Jack’s life, maybe Dean will rethink this notion of burying himself in the middle of the ocean. But then, he also knew how these things went, and Dean would not let it go. He would find a way to undo what has been done. Well, it was too late for Cas. He’d made peace with his decision long ago. He needed to concentrate on Dean.

 

“Nothing. It’s just you know how Jack looks up to you, Dean. You know this will destroy him.”

 

Dean eyed Cas like he smelled bullshit, but in the end, didn’t press the issue. “Look, Cas, do you really think I want to do this? But I certainly don’t want to unleash Michael to the world again. Look what he’s already done. Who he’s murdered. With my own fucking hands! I can't, I won’t let that go, I’d rather die than hurt anyone again.” 

 

They locked eyes, a silent understanding passing between them. Dean breaks the contact first, rubbing hard on his forehead. “It fucking kills, Cas. It’s like a migraine times ten and it never gets better.”

 

Cas knew Dean was not one for complaints, so he did the only thing he could think of, to ease the pain from Dean’s face and voice. He raised his arm and carefully pressed two fingers against Dean’s forehead. A faint light shone through his fingers, illuminating Dean’s eyes briefly. He lowered his arm, and waited for Dean’s reaction.

 

Slightly slack-jawed, Dean stared at Cas like he’d never seen him before. “What the hell was that, Cas?” The angel shrugged, attempting and failing to keep the smug expression off his face. “What do you feel, Dean?”

 

Dean blinked like he was deep in thought, and ran a hand through his hair in disbelief. “I feel...relief,” he whispered, as if he were afraid to say it out loud. Cas’ smirk got wider and Dean zoned in on it. “What the hell did you do to me? Why doesn’t it hurt anymore?”

 

“I used some of my grace to create a protective barrier around your mind. I can’t erase your pain, but I can numb it, as least for a while.”

 

Dean looked at Cas in awe. “Whoa.”

 

“I’m sorry, Dean. I should have realised it. I should have done this before I left with Jack. I didn’t think to ask.”

 

“Not your fault, Cas. It wasn’t so bad at first. Nothing I couldn’t handle. But this...this is so. Awesome.” 

 

And then Dean did something that Cas didn’t expect, couldn’t predict. He leaned forward and wrapped Cas in a hug, his arm tightening up around his neck. Cas froze in shock before cautiously wrapping his own arms around Dean’s torso. He could feel Dean’s heart against his own chest, each rapid beat destroying Castiel, and his grip imperceptibly tightened. Dean reciprocated and they sat like that in complete silence, eyes shut against the horrors all around them. Castiel felt the taller man pull away, his cheek grazing slightly against his own as Dean sat back, the look of disbelief still etched all over his face.

 

“I would do more, Dean, if I could,” he declared softly. Dean looked pained, but he reached down and grabbed one of Cas’ hands. He squeezed lightly. “I know you would, Cas.”

 

Silence reigned for a moment and Cas knew he should leave. He should let Dean rest. To rethink his ridiculous course of action. It was Dean who spoke first though.

 

“Cas, you have to promise me something.”

 

Here it was. The bitterness and the wrath and all of it was about to reign down on Dean...except that, it never came. It was just an overwhelming sadness that greeted Cas as he looked up at Dean. Because, just like Sam, how could he ever deny this man anything?

 

“If I can, I will.”

 

Dean licked his lips like he was struggling to find the words. But his eyes were determined. “I don’t want to die, Cas. I don’t want to leave you all. I don’t. I know you want to help and this reprieve you’ve given me is beyond appreciated. But we both know it’s just that- a reprieve. Michael is only going to get stronger. And sooner or later I’m not going to be able to resist opening that door back up. And I can’t allow that to happen. 

 

“So I’m going to try, Cas. I’m going to try for as long as I can, and for as long as your mojo trick works on me. But when that’s gone, and when I can’t anymore... You need to help me end this. You need to promise me, because even though Sam promised the same thing, I know he won’t follow through. I know he won’t. And you need to finish it. You have to promise me, Cas.”

 

Castiel glared back. “And what makes you think I will keep  _ my _ promise, Dean? What makes you think I’d be so willing to send you to your death when Sam won’t do it?”

 

Dean’s eyes arrested Cas, wild with a fire Cas hadn’t seen in a long while. “Because, Cas. Because I know you. I know you better than anyone in this whole world. You’re gonna deny that? You fucking can’t. You know me better than anyone. You know me better than Sam, even. You know the darkest parts of me. You’ve seen it  _ all _ . And because you know me, and I know you, I  _ know _ you’ll help me when the times come,” he finished with a determined snarl, smashing Castiel’s equilibrium to pieces, as well as his heart.

 

Cas said nothing. He couldn’t. Not when it was true. He did know Dean, and Dean knew Cas. You can call it a bond, or a deep understanding, or whatever it was that made them like this, but Cas could deny nothing. So he found himself nodding, because speech was impossible. But Dean knew Cas meant it, he needed no verbal agreement. 

 

Satisfied, Dean leaned back against into his pillow. “Don’t tell Jack. Not just yet.” 

 

Cas looked at Dean and nodded. “Course not. We still have time to figure this out.” He let the statement rest there and waited patiently as Dean slowly nodded back. He squeezed Dean’s knee in farewell and stood up, leaving the man to his thoughts.

 

He may have promised Dean, and he was an angel of his word, but that didn’t mean he would stop fighting for him. And there was still a lot to fight for, before the end was near.

 

_ End. _


End file.
